thoughts on arrival, hope, and our premortal lives

Warning: Please don't continue if you're avoiding spoilers for Arrival. The following paragraphs outline ALL the good spoilers.

Last Monday night I found myself sobbing in the car on my way home from the movie theater. It had been a particularly difficult couple days for me and I decided to run out and see Arrival that night for the second time. The film left such an impression on me after the first viewing and I'd been itching to see it again.

The film is amazing the second time through. In fact, it might even be more wonderful. Sure, we lose the dawning realization of how the film is structured the second time around, but we gain Heptapod-like omniscience as we watch it, knowing this time exactly what is going on. I found myself marveling at the script and how the actor's careful choices didn't give away the secret. Everything had its specific purpose and nothing - no shot, no line, no pause in the story - was wasted. 

Dr. Louise Banks is our heroine and Touchstone and much of the action in the film is seen (and even heard) from her point of view. As she begins to realize just how much her experiences with the Heptapods and their language have changed her she also starts to understand the visions she's been having during her months at the military camp. 

"Louise sees future", says Costello, the slightly more cautious of the two alien Heptapods we meet in the film. It dawns on Louise (and the audience) that all of her visions of a beautiful little girl are not from the past as we originally thought, but from the future. This sweet girl, Hannah, is Louise's future daughter. Present-day Louise sees Hannah in the future at different stages of her childhood, truly lively and brilliant-eyed, smart, questioning, loving...

And sick. Louise's visions of the future include heartbreaking images of Hannah sick with a terrible disease. We see images of her wasting away and eventually, present-day Louise sees her future teenage daughter die from this disease.

Louise's ability to see time in non-linear ways moves the geo-political subplot along and eventually saves the day, but the best part comes after the world stage has cleared. At the very end of the film, present-day Louise sees visions of her work partner, Dr. Ian Donnelly, and realizes that he is the father of this beautiful future daughter. 

In the final montage, accompanied by the exquisite music of Max Richter, we see the moments when Louise makes the big choices. Will she love this man even though she knows they have hard times ahead? Will she carry and give birth to this child knowing that the child will have a short life and tragic death? Will she put herself through those heartbreaks and all that anguish now that she knows it's coming?

Yes. She will.

Louise makes the choice there on the ground in the present day, leaning in to hug her colleague, knowing he'll become her husband. She chooses again in the future when Ian asks her "Do you want to make a baby?" Louise smiles, knowing what is to come, and says "Yes" with real joy in her eyes. And back in the present day, she hugs Ian tighter, knowing they will go through it all together. Roll credits.

Cut to me, sobbing in the car.

I had to give all that background to get to the crying part. I promise there's a point. 

As I mentioned before, it had been a rough few days for me. Just general winter sad mixed with worry and personal trials I'm going through right now. These trials are those long-term ones. You know the kind. They seem so...immovable, like they'll never go away. Like they'll haunt me for the rest of my life. Like I'll never find peace or joy that isn't poisoned by them.

As I contemplated Louise's journey in this film I naturally thought about what I would do in her place. Would I make that choice? Knowing what I knew about my future? I'd like to hope that I would. 

And then, right there in the car, I realized that I have made that choice. It's already been done. It's why I'm here on this planet.

Members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints believe that all of us lived a life before we were born which included learning, knowledge, and personal growth. It also included a fight to retain our agency and an important choice. The True to the Faith manual says:

Throughout your premortal life, you developed your identity and increased your spiritual capabilities. Blessed with the gift of agency, you made important decisions, such as the decision to follow Heavenly Father’s plan. These decisions affected your life then and now.

The choice to follow God's plan included this trip to Earth where we each gained a body and, terrifyingly, forgot everything we knew about our life before. The point of this Earthly life is to progress, learn and, as a result, become more like God. 

I sat there in the car after seeing this movie and tried to imagine the view of my current life from the vantage point of my premortal life. What did I see back then? How much did I know about this mortal life in my future? Did I understand that this life would be full of heartbreak and danger and mismanaged expectations? Did I know that I would suffer from mental illness and being too tall and crippling self-doubt? Was it clear to me then that I would have a terribly weak left ankle and raging allergies? 

Maybe. Maybe not. It could be that I didn't know all of these details about my future Earth life in such specifics. But I really believe that I knew enough to make the right decision. Elder Kevin Pearson says, "You knew so much before this life. Don’t ever forget that."  

Here's what I knew: I knew that "it must needs be, that there is an opposition in all things". (2 Nephi 2:11) I knew that "this life [is] a probationary state; a time to prepare to meet God". (Alma 12:24) And, most importantly, I knew I wouldn't be left to do it alone. From the book of John, chapter 3:

16 For God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in him should not perish, but have everlasting life.

17 For God sent not his Son into the world to condemn the world; but that the world through him might be saved.

And there, in the car, I imagined my premortal self - steady, organized, nervous, wise, thrilled - and I thought about all the things she knew then which I don't quite remember now. The tears came as I resolved right there and then to trust her. 

She - I made the choice to come here and live this life knowing that it would hurt like crazy and feel like it's own small eternity. I understood the risks and, more importantly, I believed that I was up for it. I wouldn't have made that choice unless I had a solid faith in my ability to get through it and succeed. 

And, like Louise did in the movie, I must have had a crystal clear view of the ultimate resulting rewards: the joy, the increase in knowledge to come, and the triumphant return to live with Heavenly Father. Right now I can only imagine what those things are like but back then I had a front row seat. I knew exactly what I was aiming for, all was clear. And when asked, I said "Yes". 

I'm grateful that I said yes. I'm grateful you said yes. And I'm thankful for a sliver of fleeting hopeful insight inspired by this beautiful movie. We knew we could do this and we knew it would be worth it. And I will do my best to be hopeful and remember that we were right.

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all these things shall be added unto you

I haven't written a purposeful new year's post in a few years. I wasn't going to this year either, though I've had some thoughts running around. However, my friend posted something on Facebook the other day that made me laugh and then go "argh!" Here Is What Happens When Each Myers Briggs Personality Type Makes a New Year's Resolution. I read through it and thought "I can never remember which one of these I am. I've taken the test a few times and I know that there is one that definitely applies to me and it begins with "I" for Introverted! That's all I know."

But then I read the very last one:

INFJ

“I resolve to be less of a perfectionist and share more of myself with others.”

Outcome: Refuses to disclose resolution to others, for fear that they will have to admit failure if they do not achieve it.

*wince* yeah. That's me, alright. However, I'm going to share here, so at least I can go against that particular stereotype. This is a work in progress. I may add to this list over time, but here are my thoughts this week. Here's what I want from 2015 so far:

• Continue repairs on my physical body as needed. These are already underway, but there's still more to do. Dentist, orthopedist, allergist...
  
  I remember last year when I got a raise and paid off a massive debt. I thought 'I'm going to have some extra money every month' and I prayed about how best to use that money. House? Just savings? Extra money towards student loans? I remember feeling kind of confused about it and I actually asked God to help me be a "good steward." Well, I really believe that this is what He wants me to do with it. If there's anything I learned in 2014, it's that my body is an integral part of my very soul. I can't continue to ignore it or abuse it in my efforts to fix the appearance. I can't continue to hate it. It deserves all the love and care I can give it and, since it was created by and given to me by God Himself, I am steward over it. And so, it continues. These efforts also include my daily supplements and good hydration, which I'm doing really well at right now. Yay!
  
  
• Three prayers a day. This should probably be number 1, because it's the first one I thought of and also the first in importance to getting all of these other things done. But it also works being listed right in the middle here. During this week, everyone's been posting articles on what to do and what not to do when making resolutions and goals. One common theme is "write down what you want and make that your focus." So I did that. I wrote down what I want and the issue is, I really really suck at getting or doing or being what I want. I have so much fear. Too much fear to be successful. And so I will ask for help, every day. In fact, I started today when I prayed with a list that began 'I need help today with...' I imagine over time my list will be shorter on a daily basis and more focused. It was all over the place today. :) And sometimes it will be. I just know that I have no hope of getting what I want and what I need without some help. So prayer is the thing.

• It was interesting, after that prayer this morning, I watched a video that's been floating around social media:
  
  
  
  And then this article which was written while they were still making the video. I was really struck by this quote from the one who started the project:
  

  If people could really understand what the Book of Mormon is, they would cherish that book like their lives depended on it,” Christensen said. “That’s what we’re hoping to do with this video is ignite the spark of the importance of the Book of Mormon so both members and nonmembers will have more of a desire to read it.

  
  I did so well with this from about September to the beginning of December. I filled almost two journals with my writing and pondering and thoughts on my reading. I learned SO much. I was taught on a daily basis, important life lessons and doctrines of the gospel. And then December happened and I was busy and tired and worn out.  It's time to get back up and do my daily study. My goal was 30 minutes a day, and that's still it. It has to happen. My joy, my progression, and the fulfilling of my life's purpose(s) depends on the things I learn when studying that book (along with the Bible. Not surprising at all, I end up studying the Bible a LOT when I'm studying the Book of Mormon. They compliment each other so well.)

There are other things I want to do this year, but I'm not going to make resolutions for them right now. I want to use my new sewing machine to do SOMETHING (not sure what yet). I want to sing more. I want to listen to music more. I want to read more. I want to go outside more, see friends more, cook more, have fun more. And I will. However, my past experience has taught me that anything good in my life comes from making sure I do well at those last two things listed above. From Matthew chapter 6:

  32 For your heavenly Father knoweth that ye have need of all these things.

 33 But seek ye first the kingdom of God, and his righteousness; and all these things shall be added unto you.

So hi there, 2015! How are you?

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which was borne of four

I have stress about my calling. It seems like such an easy calling, and maybe it is for some. But not for me.

On the way into our stake single adult committee meeting tonight I prayed as I walked in the door. I literally said "Heavenly Father....please help me to not be a jerk." Honestly, this is what I feared. I have a whole bucket of preconceived notions about single adults, being a single adult, and trying to get other single adults to participate. (It stems from never being one of the 'cool kids' as it were. I STILL don't know how that works.) I've met with this committee only once before and they are all good people. They work hard and have good ideas and their own testimonies. I don't really know any of them much better than that, but I really wanted to be open and humble. So I asked Heavenly Father to help me not be a jerk. He did (I think).

Tonight was a good meeting. Our stake presidency adviser gave us some training from the area Seventy whose inspiration lead to these callings and this new method in the first place. Training is GOOD. I so love training in the church. It usually starts with the words "The handbook says" and ends with something like "and that's what the Savior would do." This was no different. This training was specific and to the point and I had a lightning moment in that meeting tonight when everything lined up in my brain and the thought appeared: "Oh! I get it. I can do this" followed quickly by "The Lord will tell me how He wants me to do this." Thank heavens for that.

The training included just a couple points:

1. Having a single adult rep on the ward council will provide a way to communicate single adult needs to the ward council.
2. Having a single adult rep on the ward council will force that rep to find out the single adult needs so that he/she can communicate them to the ward council.

I had a mini panic attack after that last one. I thought "Well. How the heck will that happen?" And then the lightning. It's a ward COUNCIL, Cecily. Not a ward 'report on your individual struggles to do your calling and then go away' meeting, which is kind of how I was looking at it. I instantly had some thoughts about how to enlist their help with this and start to get them thinking more often about the demographic I am supposed to represent. The mental load I was carrying immediately lightened and I started jotting down some plans. Get on the agenda. Have the council tell me the stories of everyone on the list, a few every meeting. Talk about them. Send meaningful looks to the missionaries. Plan some visits. Find some commonalities and address some needs.

It was during this meeting that I started to understand that my role is meant to have deeper results than I first realized. Some possibilities I thought of:
- My efforts to learn about the single adults in the setting of a ward council will get the single adults on our minds. Inspiration happens. We care for those who may need it, as a council. Slowly, but with purpose.
- The act of talking about single adults in ward council becomes much more routine, as does caring for them. As a ward, we become more effective and our 'rescue' efforts are more frequent and intentional.
- As thinking about, talking about, and working for the single adults in the ward becomes a more regular occurrence, the trends and overall needs we discover and the inspiration we receive as a ward council will eventually make their way to the stake level via the Bishop in his stake meetings and via me, on this stake committee. The stake presidency and high council come up with ways to address the larger picture. The stake presidency councils the stake committee on how to meaningfully, purposefully cares for the single adults, instead of just putting on a bunch of random firesides.

This was another part of tonight's training (my favorite part). Essentially, the handbook says "The ward takes care of the single adults. The stake may provide activities or whatever to help provide what the wards cannot." Meaning: Let's make the wards WORK first, take all the crazy planning off of the multi-stake/region committees and start at the base of this tower. I hate being on committees because planning activities and hoping people come to activities is one of worst things in the WORLD for me. I appreciated this bit of training that invited us to focus more on the ward level. Sure, that means activities and stuff for the ward, but at least I KNOW those folks. And the ward council will help me figure it out. Thank heavens for them.

And they really are the focus of my calling at this time. Someone in the meeting tonight mentioned a great talk from this last conference called "Rescue in Unity" which I then came home and read.

“And they [came] unto him, bringing one sick of the palsy, which was borne of four” (Mark 2:3).

The concept of a council of folks making it possible for someone to approach the Savior by working together was so important for me to learn. Elder Wong points out that these four may have been on assignment from their bishop, to rescue this man who could not rescue himself. They toiled and worked and met some serious obstacles. They eventually had to lower him to the Savior from the ceiling! And then at the end, after all their work and toil:

“When Jesus saw their faith, he said unto the sick of the palsy, Son, thy sins be forgiven thee” (Mark 2:5)

Because of their faith. Those four. That council. What an amazing thought. Part of me gets anxious at the possibility that I can affect someone's chance to approach or return to the Savior (whether for good or for ill) but I need to remember that I'm part of something bigger.  I'm not alone. I'm part of this council and the Lord will accept my offering, however small or large. What a relief.

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and this is not all

I love Jacob the prophet. I get the feeling that when I finally get to meet him that the two of us will get along. I like the way his mind seems to work. He uses a lot of logic, but he teaches with his soul. He's plainspoken, doesn't beat around the bush, and one of the most powerful teachers we have in ancient scripture. I really love reading his words both in the book of 2 Nephi and in the book of Jacob.

Today I was especially struck by some amazing verses. Having just forged my way (happily) through the amazing and mind-blowing allegory of the olive tree in chapter 5 and some great review in chapter 6, we change course by the time we get to chapter 7. Chapter 7 tells the story of  Sherem, a man who 'labored diligently' to teach the Nephites that there is not and would never be any Christ. This guy had some guts and sought to go toe to toe with Jacob himself, which he finally did.

Their conversation was pretty short.

6 And it came to pass that he came unto me, and on this wise did he speak unto me, saying: Brother Jacob, I have sought much opportunity that I might speak unto you; for I have heard and also know that thou goest about much, preaching that which ye call the gospel, or the doctrine of Christ.

 7 And ye have led away much of this people that they pervert the right way of God, and keep not the law of Moses which is the right way; and convert the law of Moses into the worship of a being which ye say shall come many hundred years hence. And now behold, I, Sherem, declare unto you that this is blasphemy; for no man knoweth of such things; for he cannot tell of things to come. And after this manner did Sherem contend against me.

 8 But behold, the Lord God poured in his Spirit into my soul, insomuch that I did confound him in all his words.

 9 And I said unto him: Deniest thou the Christ who shall come? And he said: If there should be a Christ, I would not deny him; but I know that there is no Christ, neither has been, nor ever will be.

 10 And I said unto him: Believest thou the scriptures? And he said, Yea.

 11 And I said unto him: Then ye do not understand them; for they truly testify of Christ. Behold, I say unto you that none of the prophets have written, nor prophesied, save they have spoken concerning this Christ.

Sherem uses the classic "How could you possibly know this?" argument used by so many people in the face of modern revelation. Denial of a living God who speaks to servants in the present day is certainly not new to most of us.

But of course Jacob lays down the best argument ever used against someone who claims they believe the scriptures. I try to imagine his face when he said this. I imagine it was patient and prophet-like, but part of me hopes there was a little dumbfounded irony in there somewhere. "Believest thou the scriptures?...Then ye do not understand them." BAM. How many times do we have prophets point out that the scriptures everyone knows and loves are CONSTANTLY testifying of Christ, His ultimate sacrifice, and the plan to save all of us? It never gets old.

But it was the next verse that really got to me as I read this account today:

 12 And this is not all—it has been made manifest unto me, for I have heard and seen; and it also has been made manifest unto me by the power of the Holy Ghost; wherefore, I know if there should be no atonement made all mankind must be lost.

This was so meaningful for me. Jacob bears his own testimony to Sherem; "for I have heard and seen". He teaches him of the power of the Holy Ghost and then says the amazing words "I know" as he testifies of Jesus Christ. But this is nothing new, right? We know that Jacob has 'heard and seen'.

What I love so much though is the phrase right at the beginning of the verse: "And this is not all". Jacob first cites the testimony of ancient and revered prophets and then places his own testimony on the same level as theirs. "And this is not all." His own witness was just as important to this conversation. What an amazing concept! Jacob knew that his testimony was just as true and valid as those written in the scriptures.

Is mine? Is yours?

Yes.

It may not seem like it to me at this moment, but my testimony is just as valid and just as important as anyone else's. I too can say that the Holy Ghost has 'made things manifest' to me. I certainly can't deny it. I have also 'heard and seen' a lot of wonderful, true evidences of the Atonement's power and the love that Heavenly Father has for us.

I think we tend to devalue the importance of our own strongly-held beliefs because of our 'common' status in the church and on the planet. We're not Bishops, Stake Presidents, or General Authorities of any kind. Most of us have no fame or scholarly 'authority.' We don't write scripture and we all have so much to learn.

But from now on I am going to do my best to follow Jacob's example and recognize my hard-won convictions for what they are: as meaningful and as true as those held by anyone else, no matter who they are. The Holy Ghost will testify the truth of my testimony just as powerfully as He would a testimony written in sacred scripture or spoken over a pulpit a General Conference. The question is, how often do I really give Him the opportunity to do so?

Well, here's one: I can say that I know Jacob's words above are true. Without Jesus Christ and His sacrifice, we'd all be lost forever. Jesus Christ died and was resurrected and I know he paid the ultimate price so that I can do my best, repent when I screw up, and eventually return to Him and to Heavenly Father. I can never deny these things because the Holy Ghost testifies of their truth to me all the time. ALL the time.

This video was released today as a beautiful beginning of the Christmas season. This atonement I speak of, this great sacrifice, all began with the Gift of the Savior's birth. I'm so grateful we get to celebrate it.

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the elements are eternal

This is another one of those posts that come about after several things in my life CONNECT to teach me something important (or remind me of it). You know how that goes? You read something somewhere, someone says something sometime, you see something on the internet another time, and then BAM. It all seems to be intertwined for the specific purpose of teaching you an everlasting truth? It doesn't happen often but when it does I sometimes I feel like I just need to share the crazy miracle of that lesson learned.

This is a big one, too. It's personal and pokey/hurty/ouchy/painful for me and perhaps many of you. It has to do with body image, which seems to be my theme as of late. I've struggled with an all-consuming obsessive hatred of my own physical body for so many years and my goal recently has been to reach a point where I can just exist and free up all the energy and mental 'real estate' that's been dedicated to the fixing and the hating and the sorrow that comes with that. I dream of reaching that brain state of nirvana where I can accept myself the way I am and treat myself with respect and love and just do things and try things without fear of how I look or what people think. This desire in and of itself shows some progress for me. I've moved from the constant wish to 'fix it' to the 'how can I just live my life?' question which is a big deal.

And let me tell you something: I am getting closer and closer to what I want. It's the most liberating relief I've EVER felt. Changing my way of thinking is not easy and will probably be a life-long process, but I can feel it happening and has altered my perspective forever.

I've been specifically praying for help with this, asking Heavenly Father how I can make peace with the reality of the way my body looks and is (and maybe always will be!) and even come to love and treat it with kindness and affection. I'm here to say that He's definitely listening and helping me learn important lessons about this topic. As it happens, a recent set of connections which helped me take a big step in this process all happened within the past three weeks. Here they are, in chronological order:

Thing 1: My scripture study on 9/30/2014. Started with 2 Nephi 2:14:

14 And now, my sons, I speak unto you these things for your profit and learning; for there is a God, and he hath created all things, both the heavens and the earth, and all things that in them are, both things to act and things to be acted upon.

That final phrase kind of stuck with me, so I started to look up the cross references, which lead me to Doctrine and Covenants 93:28-40. Here are a few verses I pulled out with my emphasis added....

29 Man was also in the beginning with God. Intelligence, or the light of truth, was not created or made, neither indeed can be. 
30 All truth is independent in that sphere in which God has placed it, to act for itself, as all intelligence also; otherwise there is no existence.

33 For man is spirit. The elements are eternal, and spirit and element, inseparably connected, receive a fulness of joy;
34 And when separated, man cannot receive a fulness of joy. 

35 The elements are the tabernacle of God; yea, man is the tabernacle of God, even temples;

I remember that phrase and how it seemed to hit me in the head like a mallet: The elements are eternal. This is the body that's going with me through death, the resurrection, and my eternities. THIS VERY BODY! I sat there, stunned. I looked at my hands, turning them over in front of me, and for one blessed minute I had a glimpse of how miraculous they were. All of those eternal elements working together to create my living tabernacle. I was amazed and I wrote this:

My body is an eternal thing. I can't receive a fulness of joy without it. I am a sentient light and truth-filled being walking around down here independently. What a miracle. Right now my elements and spirit are connected. I can receive joy because of this. later on when they're connected forever, I'll be able to receive the fulness of joy. 

God built billions and billions of tabernacles and temples to house these spirits/intelligences and mine is completely unlike any other. It was chosen for me with care and given to me as a wonderful gift...but I'm still one of His temples. Built with eternal materials by God Himself. How can I be unhappy with this gift? How can I look on it disdainfully? Impossible. The elements are eternal.

Since that day I've said that phrase over and over to myself as I look at myself in the mirror or worry about my clothes fitting right, or decide that my eyes are just spaced too closely together.  It's become my calm phrase. "The elements are eternal." It's my way of reminding myself that "Hey! God made this as a gift to house your eternal intelligence and it will last FOREVER. Isn't that amazing?!"

Thing 2: General Conference weekend, 10/5. President Monson's amazing talk in which he said:

The primary purposes of our existence upon the earth are to obtain a body of flesh and bones, to gain experience that could come only through separation from our heavenly parents, and to see if we would keep the commandments.

I remember thinking something like "Wow. That's pretty straightforward." In that one sentence, a prophet of God explained quite succinctly exactly what my body is for. It is not for anything else but gaining experience and bringing me one step closer to being like God. So when I ask myself if my body is living up the measure of its creation, I have to say "Yes. Yes it is." Because here I am. Nice job, body! You're fantastic!!

Thing 3: Posted Friday, 10/17 by Glennon Doyle Melton

A lot of you are probably familiar with Ms. Melton's writing, maybe just on Facebook. She's a pretty hilarious writer and founder of Momastery, an online community, and its partner charity organization Together Rising. My favorite thing about her is that she writes from the trenches of motherhood, womanhood, and Christian-hood and includes all the confusing things and strange occurrences that go with each of those. She's had to work through her own share of pain and struggles, which include a long fight with bulimia and alcoholism.

This week she went on OWN and ended up talking about her own experience with body image. She shared this 5 minute clip of her interview:



The topic may make you wonder why I would care about this since a single Mormon girl is probably not TOO worried about her sex life at this point (har har). But I would recommend that everyone watch it because her message is profound. She ends up basically stating the same message found in the Doctrine and Covenants passage I quoted above: The body and the spirit (and the mind) are connected. They come together to make us who we are. I was kind of stunned when she talked about how she sometimes looks at her hands in amazement and marvels at the miracle they are. Connection made...

And finally, Thing 4: Today, Glennon posted this video again along with an email she received from a viewer named Laura. In this email, Laura said:

I think for so many reasons we don't show up in or for our bodies because "it's not ready yet." Or ruined forever. Not skinny enough not fast enough not ..... I really think this is the root cause of human suffering...

Amen. It's time for me to show up for and in my body. My mind and body together make my soul. They are not meant to be separated and, in the end, they won't be. I can't be who I am, I can't experience real joy, and I can't return to live with God without this body and it deserves all the love and respect I can give it. The elements are eternal.

*******
For those of you interested in reading more on the topic of body image and self-love, I recommend starting with the wonderful identical twin PhDs over at beautyredefined.net. Check out the posts on their fantastic blog if you're interested in some good, research-based thoughts on how we can redefine body image.

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Now ye are the body of Christ

I had a day today where enough things happened that seemed connected that I figured I should write it all down before I forget.

Thing the First: This new video started popping up all over facebook and the LDS social networksphere. So I watched it.



(It's long, so here's a sumup: Mom (who seems to be single) starts her day with three children and looks harried and stressed. Through some texts, we see that she's looking forward to meeting her cousin that night, babysitter and everything. Throughout the day, all sorts of things crop up, kid forgot he had a science project due, neighbor needed emergency babysitting, RS asked her to make dinner for a family in the ward that night....so mom does it all, with much stress and seeming angst. She ends up missing her date with her cousin and cries a bit about it. At the end, her son prays and thanks God for all that they were able to do that day and President Hinckley's awesome 'You never know the good you do' quote is voiced over. Fin.)

Anyway, I wasn't particularly inspired, but whatever. I didn't think much of it and moved right along.

Thing the Second: I received an email from the church saying that I'd been randomly selected to fill out a survey and would I please do it. Of course I want to help out the church, so I got in there and filled it out.

There were general questions about my activity, relationship with the church, general perception of my personal spirituality, etc. There were also some questions asking about my own feelings about the church, my ward, and my sense of belonging. I was honest and said that I have some trouble sometimes because I'm a single woman. I feel like the church is awesome, but that there really isn't a place for me IN it sometimes. Of course I can contribute and serve, but sometimes I want to feel like I fit into a role somewhere you know? It's a long-term feeling that doesn't really cause me problems on most days, but I included it in this survey because it was the truth. No problem, moved right along.

Thing the Third: Literally 60 seconds after I clicked 'submit' on that survey, I got a text from my good friend, M, about that very video I posted above. M is not a member of the LDS church, but loves Mormon stuff. She watches the videos, she watches Conference whenever she gets a chance, and we're going to Time out for Women next month. Basically, she brilliantly goes where she needs to for inspiration, which I really admire. We're also about the same age and both single, which comes into play later on in this conversation. Here's how it started:

And neither can I. I went over to the FB post after this text conversation just to see if anyone braver than me had chimed in on how the video felt kind of weird....but as far as I could see, no one had. All I saw was comment after comment from moms and dads alike saying things like "This is my life" and "I needed to see this today."

This video seemed to bring so much comfort to a lot of these folks and I was humbled to see that. I decided that in this case, I was NOT the target audience, and that's ok. This time I'd keep my kibitzing to myself (and my text messages) (and this blog) (ok, sorry, there is kibitzing).*

Anyway, after admitting that we couldn't possibly understand what it was like to be a mom, M and I started talking about being single female members of churches that don't really have a spot for us. M talked about her experience in the Catholic church, how there are programs through high school, but "then you don't see young adults until they need their kids baptized." The single groups in her church are for the over 40 crowd. In this case, all I could say was "I feel you, girl."

Sure, I don't do as much as I could to participate in my local mid-single events (Yes, we're mid-singles. No longer young, not quite just 'single'. We're mid), but I also don't feel like we've been set up for success there, either. I think I just need an attitude adjustment, as per usual.

I told M that I really feel like the leaders of the church are mindful of me. There have been so many talks and articles about women who are more like me (women who work outside the home, not married, childless, etc.) as well as singles in general. However, I don't know that I've felt this 'mindfulness' on the local level...

That is, until a couple weeks ago. So I've been serving as primary chorister in my wonderful amazing ward for the past 3 years. I think I've hit my sell by date with that calling and the bishopric (or the poor primary presidency who sees me wilt from week to week) seemed to agree. I just got a new calling. A new new calling (Doctor WHO!) that never existed before. The bishop made sure to explain to me that this calling came right from the area presidency which had directed that stakes in this region tell their wards to make this happen. I don't know what the official name is, but I am essentially the single adult rep on the Ward Council.

(For those who don't know, every ward pulls all of their leaders together a couple times a month, sometimes weekly, to discuss the needs of individual folks and families in the ward and to basically share info and make plans for upcoming stuff. All presidents are included in this council, primary, YW, YM, missionaries, relief society, etc. It's a hugely important meeting, as it also is the place where the leaders discuss how best to help the ward, right down to families who may need it. So there's that.)

Mind-bogglingly enough, there has never been a single adult representative on this council before. There really isn't an auxiliary for us, so we never really had....'representation' there. I have to admit that rectifying this is a huge deal. I feel like I've been informally advocating for single adults in the church for the past 10 years, and now it's been made official. It's a bit scary because there's really no 'job description' at this point. Right now I'm just showing up, and that's enough for me. I'm super grateful for an awesome bishop who sees clearly the importance of including our voices in the leadership of the ward. It's comforting.

Anyway, after whining to M about feeling marginalized as a single person, I had to admit to her this most recent development that is my new calling. Her words were "I'm excited that they started something new." So am I, M. So am I. It's a good reminder for me that inspired leadership will make changes needed to address the changing demographic that they're serving as directed by the Lord. It happens slowly, but it happens.


I have no idea how I got here from that video at the beginning, but there you go. I guess it's a day in which I acknowledge the church's outreach attempts to two demographics under its stewardship. I think I needed to make that connection. I'm important to this work. I know it in my heart and soul, and I'm grateful to be counted. Everyone else is equally as important, and their work can and will look drastically different from mine. And the great news is, that is the way it's SUPPOSED to be.

From 1 Corinthians chapter 12:

18 But now hath God set the members every one of them in the body, as it hath pleased him.

 19 And if they were all one member, where were the body?

 20 But now are they many members, yet but one body.

 21 And the eye cannot say unto the hand, I have no need of thee: nor again the head to the feet, I have no need of you.

 22 Nay, much more those members of the body, which seem to be more feeble, are necessary:

 23 And those members of the body, which we think to be less honourable, upon these we bestow more abundant honour; and our uncomely parts have more abundant comeliness.

 24 For our comely parts have no need: but God hath tempered the body together, having given more abundant honour to that part which lacked:

 25 That there should be no schism in the body; but that the members should have the same care one for another.

 26 And whether one member suffer, all the members suffer with it; or one member be honoured, all the members rejoice with it.

 27 Now ye are the body of Christ, and members in particular.

* I am a bit nervous about anything the propagates the 'you should keep trying to do it all because you can make a difference and be exhausted!' point of view, as M pointed out above. I was surprised to see something like that come from the church because, lately, they've been a lot better about promoting the whole 'balance' thing. But I think I missed the point of the video in general, so I'm not gonna worry about it. :)

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greater is the value of an endless happiness

I always get bummed out by this part of the Book of Mormon. The Nephites get completely wiped out by the Lamanites, Mormon gets killed, and Moroni is left alone to wander, write, and hide up the plates. It's a bummer.

However, this is also the time that Moroni writes down some of the most precious truths in the form of his own sermons, letters from his father, and the book of Ether (holy moly, I love Ether.) Mormon 8 is one of those personal sermons of his that minces no words and leaves no doubt in my mind that he could see our present day from back then. He just has too many (painful) details correct about us and how we live.

It was these verses at the end of the chapter that caught me:

37 For behold, ye do love money, and your substance, and your fine apparel, and the adorning of your churches, more than ye love the poor and the needy, the sick and the afflicted.

 38 O ye pollutions, ye hypocrites, ye teachers, who sell yourselves for that which will canker, why have ye polluted the holy church of God? Why are ye ashamed to take upon you the name of Christ? Why do ye not think that greater is the value of an endless happiness than that misery which never dies—because of the praise of the world?

"Why are ye ashamed to take upon you the name of Christ?" Ouch.
"Why do ye not think that greater is the value of an endless happiness than that misery which never dies -- because of the praise of the world?" OUCH OUCH!

I thought of some of the things that I obsess about, or try not to obsess about. The point is, I spend way too much soul real estate tied up with these things...personal appearance (and how I hate my own), money (in the guise of provident living, but mostly stressing about having enough when I PLAINLY have enough), what other people think (especially my non-member friends for various reasons)....man. SO much of my energy is wrapped up in that stuff. I don't have much left over for the good stuff. And Moroni is like 'SILLY PERSON! You can have endless happiness if you stop worrying about all that crap!' It's not that I don't believe Moroni. It's just hard to tear myself away. But I'm working on it.

And then the next couple verses:

 39 Why do ye adorn yourselves with that which hath no life, and yet suffer the hungry, and the needy, and the naked, and the sick and the afflicted to pass by you, and notice them not?

 40 Yea, why do ye build up your secret abominations to get gain, and cause that widows should mourn before the Lord, and also orphans to mourn before the Lord, and also the blood of their fathers and their husbands to cry unto the Lord from the ground, for vengeance upon your heads?

 I love that phrase "Why do ye adorn yourselves with that which hath no life..." That is a good way to think about it. You can't take it with you. There is no connection you can possibly have with the STUFF that will enrich your life in a meaningful way. I'm not obsessed with stuff or keeping up with the Jones' (my car is old, I don't own a house because I know I can't afford it, I wear shoes for several years and use the same purse until it falls apart) but there are a few things I won't let go. I don't need 8 zillion books and DVDs...collecting them for collecting's sake isn't necessary or smart. :-\

However, I do pay a full tithe and fast offering, which I think I always hoped was 'enough' with regard to what Moroni is talking about in those verses. Am I doing my part for the orphans and widows, the sick and the afflicted, by paying those things and letting the church take care of them as they will? I don't know. This is a hard one for me. I have been taught in a rather conservative vein that folks get what they work for, blah blah blah, and that we shouldn't rely on a nosy government to take care of us. And in some cases, I truly believe that. HOWEVER, I notice that Moroni doesn't mention those cases. He mentions those folks who have no recourse (orphans, sick, etc) and I know he has already predicted these arguments of mine. So it's hard for me to know where and how I can do more for the types of people he mentions. I hope that I can do for those who are in my ward as needed (but I can do better), and I guess I will just pray for more opportunities (or that I will SEE existing opportunities) to help others outside of that realm.

I so desperately want to do 'enough', but I think the point is, that we never really can. We just have to keep it up until we all end up in the presence of God again. That scares me, but it's one more thing that I will try out to see...

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the work shall commence

3 Nephi 21 is interesting because the whole chapter consists of the Savior talking about the last days, namely, the Book of Mormon. So meta!

I love it though because he explains why it shows up, when it will show up, and what it means when it finally shows up.

 7 And when these things come to pass that thy seed shall begin to know these things—it shall be a sign unto them, that they may know that the work of the Father hath already commenced unto the fulfilling of the covenant which he hath made unto the people who are of the house of Israel.

I've always been confused by the use of the word 'gentile' in the scriptures. I always took it to mean 'people who were not descended from Abraham/Isaac/Jacob', meaning, like, those who were currently on the Earth: Romans, Greeks, Celts, those living in Asia and Africa, etc. There were TONS of people who would not be included in the Abrahamic covenant and whom the Lord would 'adopt' into the covenant should they accept His gospel.

But, I figured, after literally thousands of years and lots of war and plunder and 'scatter', that those descendants would become pretty spread out across the globe. They wouldn't be concentrated in the Middle East any more, but Europe, Africa, etc. Especially considering Lehi's group and the offshoots that ended up in New Zealand and the Pacific Islands. I guess I thought that it would be kind of hard to find a true blue pure-blooded gentile any more.

But in this chapter, the Lord talks as if everyone not of Lehi's/Zoram/Ishmael's descent is a gentile...meaning....European settlers and EVERYONE else who shows up. I guess I get that. It's more of an 'us vs. them' feeling that works for the point he's making.

12 And my people who are a remnant of Jacob shall be among the Gentiles, yea, in the midst of them as a lion among the beasts of the forest, as a young lion among the flocks of sheep, who, if he go through both treadeth down and teareth in pieces, and none can deliver.

 13 Their hand shall be lifted up upon their adversaries, and all their enemies shall be cut off.

I suppose it doesn't matter what your lineage is. The Gospel of Jesus Christ is open to everyone. The promises of that covenant are available to all who accept and are baptized.

 24 And then shall they assist my people that they may be gathered in, who are scattered upon all the face of the land, in unto the New Jerusalem.

 25 And then shall the power of heaven come down among them; and I also will be in the midst.

 26 And then shall the work of the Father commence at that day, even when this gospel shall be preached among the remnant of this people. Verily I say unto you, at that day shall the work of the Father commence among all the dispersed of my people, yea, even the tribes which have been lost, which the Father hath led away out of Jerusalem.

 27 Yea, the work shall commence among all the dispersed of my people, with the Father to prepare the way whereby they may come unto me, that they may call on the Father in my name.

 28 Yea, and then shall the work commence, with the Father among all nations in preparing the way whereby his people may be gathered home to the land of their inheritance.

 One of these days I'll get to ask God about that covenant. Why Abraham? Why that particular people? I'm just curious.

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that ye might feel and see

Reading 3 Nephi is probably one of the coolest things to do with my time. EVER. I haven't read it in a very very long time (except for the yearly run through the first few chapters around Christmas time) and I'm almost grateful for that. It's making this time through a thrilling and almost new experience.

A few verses from today that I just wanted to grab and remember for later...

From chapter 18:

 18 Behold, verily, verily, I say unto you, ye must watch and pray always lest ye enter into temptation; for Satan desireth to have you, that he may sift you as wheat.

 19 Therefore ye must always pray unto the Father in my name;

 There's another verse that says something very similar which I've had in my mind lately as well. From D&C 10:5 (which is also Christ speaking):

 5 Pray always, that you may come off conqueror; yea, that you may conquer Satan, and that you may escape the hands of the servants of Satan that do uphold his work.

 6 Behold, they have sought to destroy you...

I remember learning that last one in seminary and coming up with an interpretive dance to help us remember it. It worked.

The concept of being protected from temptation is...kind of new. To me at least. I lead a sheltered, awkward girl life. There hasn't been a lot of temptation to speak of in my life. My teen years were spent with boys who thought I was too tall and the drama geek set who all came out of the closet at once and never did drugs. It was pretty...low key. It wasn't until I became an adult with means and TIME and a place of my own that I understood how susceptible I am to temptation. The opportunity to be protected from it became something that I actively had to seek out. And I can say truthfully that prayer is the key. Actually, I believe that the Holy Spirit is the key. He's the protector. But I have to seek him out, show him that I'm willing to try. And then He'll come. It might sound nuts, but I've definitely felt the difference between days I tried (prayed) and days I didn't.

-*-*-
 And some more from chapter 18 of 3 Nephi (emphasis mine):

22 And behold, ye shall meet together oft; and ye shall not forbid any man from coming unto you when ye shall meet together, but suffer them that they may come unto you and forbid them not;

 23 But ye shall pray for them, and shall not cast them out; and if it so be that they come unto you oft ye shall pray for them unto the Father, in my name.

 24 Therefore, hold up your light that it may shine unto the world. Behold I am the light which ye shall hold up—that which ye have seen me do. Behold ye see that I have prayed unto the Father, and ye all have witnessed.

 25 And ye see that I have commanded that none of you should go away, but rather have commanded that ye should come unto me, that ye might feel and see; even so shall ye do unto the world; and whosoever breaketh this commandment suffereth himself to be led into temptation.

I loved that phrase so much. "That ye might feel and see." He'll never tell us to go away. He wants us. All of us. Imperfect, sinning, repeat offending, mean, sad US. None of us should 'go away'. These verses are important to my heart and soul right now.

"Hold up your light that it may shine unto the world. Behold I am the light which ye shall hold up..." Gosh. It's so true. When we focus on anything but the Savior, His example, and our own relationship with Him, it's kind of...pointless. We end up going round and round. We end up in the self-congratulatory rut of .... all the other stuff we could 'hold up' as a light. Instead of Him. My testimony of Him, His work, His life, and His sacrifice is the light I need to hold aloft. I am a bit of a coward, so I will work on that.

-*-*-
 Today's a hard day for a lot of folks. My heart is rather achy in general about everything. I'm grateful that these words were in my reading today when I really needed them. From chapter 18 (emphasis mine):

29 For whoso eateth and drinketh my flesh and blood unworthily eateth and drinketh damnation to his soul; therefore if ye know that a man is unworthy to eat and drink of my flesh and blood ye shall forbid him.

 30 Nevertheless, ye shall not cast him out from among you, but ye shall minister unto him and shall pray for him unto the Father, in my name; and if it so be that he repenteth and is baptized in my name, then shall ye receive him, and shall minister unto him of my flesh and blood.

 31 But if he repent not he shall not be numbered among my people, that he may not destroy my people, for behold I know my sheep, and they are numbered.

 32 Nevertheless, ye shall not cast him out of your synagogues, or your places of worship, for unto such shall ye continue to minister; for ye know not but what they will return and repent, and come unto me with full purpose of heart, and I shall heal them; and ye shall be the means of bringing salvation unto them.

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More or less than this

More from 3 Nephi 11. There's nothing really to expound. It's the Savior talking and He puts it all out there in no uncertain terms:

 28 And according as I have commanded you thus shall ye baptize. And there shall be no disputations among you, as there have hitherto been; neither shall there be disputations among you concerning the points of my doctrine, as there have hitherto been.

 29 For verily, verily I say unto you, he that hath the spirit of contention is not of me, but is of the devil, who is the father of contention, and he stirreth up the hearts of men to contend with anger, one with another.

 30 Behold, this is not my doctrine, to stir up the hearts of men with anger, one against another; but this is my doctrine, that such things should be done away.

 31 Behold, verily, verily, I say unto you, I will declare unto you my doctrine.

 32 And this is my doctrine, and it is the doctrine which the Father hath given unto me; and I bear record of the Father, and the Father beareth record of me, and the Holy Ghost beareth record of the Father and me; and I bear record that the Father commandeth all men, everywhere, to repent and believe in me.

 33 And whoso believeth in me, and is baptized, the same shall be saved; and they are they who shall inherit the kingdom of God.

 34 And whoso believeth not in me, and is not baptized, shall be damned.

 35 Verily, verily, I say unto you, that this is my doctrine, and I bear record of it from the Father; and whoso believeth in me believeth in the Father also; and unto him will the Father bear record of me, for he will visit him with fire and with the Holy Ghost.

 36 And thus will the Father bear record of me, and the Holy Ghost will bear record unto him of the Father and me; for the Father, and I, and the Holy Ghost are one.

 37 And again I say unto you, ye must repent, and become as a little child, and be baptized in my name, or ye can in nowise receive these things.

 38 And again I say unto you, ye must repent, and be baptized in my name, and become as a little child, or ye can in nowise inherit the kingdom of God.

 39 Verily, verily, I say unto you, that this is my doctrine, and whoso buildeth upon this buildeth upon my rock, and the gates of hell shall not prevail against them.

 40 And whoso shall declare more or less than this, and establish it for my doctrine, the same cometh of evil, and is not built upon my rock; but he buildeth upon a sandy foundation, and the gates of hell stand open to receive such when the floods come and the winds beat upon them.

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