I do not know the meaning of all things

I'll admit it. I've shed some tears this week about the public issues going on in the LDS church right now. It's mostly Facebook that makes me cry as I see the posts of 'evidence', debate, and get that awful feeling of impending loss that I dread. I've considered deleting the FB app from my phone so I'm less ... immersed in it. I'm trying to decide if that's the cowardly reaction. The jury is still out. (Less Facebook is never a bad idea though, right?)

My tears come when I think of the rancor and contention that's present right now. I mean, I guess it's always been present, right? The internet has made that even easier than it used to be. It may be that I'm just more aware of it at this point.

The issues at hand actually have something to do with me. I'm a member of the church. I'm a woman. I don't currently hold the authority to act in the name of Jesus Christ on the Earth. I'm unmarried and therefore don't even have 'in house' access to someone who DOES have that authority. And I'm ok with all of that. I have been my whole life. This is my story. 

What I've come to accept this week as I entertained tiring thoughts of digging around and 'getting to the bottom' of all of this, is that I'll never know any one else's story but my own. I can't possibly know the hearts and true motives of people I've never met. I'll never know anything about their personal history or individual relationships with God. And now I finally understand that I don't need to know all that. The only story that matters to me is mine. I own it and I feel the need to tell a little bit of it here, just to ease my heart and 'anchor my soul' a bit.

My story centers around my testimony of the Gospel of Jesus Christ. As I prayed this morning I weepily said to Heavenly Father "I know you're there. It's you and it's me." And I knew in my heart (again) that I was right.

I believe in God as a loving Father who sent His Son Jesus Christ to die and pay my eternal spiritual debt. To me, this truth is absolute. I've felt His love for me and my family. I've had overwhelming  glimpses of the deep love He has for my fellow men and women on this Earth. He's kept promises. He protects and comforts my soul. He's honored His end of all the covenants I've made with Him over the years. These things are true and real. I cannot deny them.

Here's where it gets a bit less calm as I continue to think and pray about these things with a fervency I never really have before. And it has come to pass that I still believe that God and Jesus Christ visited Joseph Smith in a grove of trees in 1820. I still believe that Joseph Smith subsequently translated a previously unknown book of ancient scripture. And, as a result, I still believe that The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints is the restored version of the original church that Jesus Christ organized while He was here on the Earth 2000 years ago. These parts of my belief story might be the 'crazy' ones....parts that make Mormons the butt of a lot of jokes...parts that have probably worn out the eye-rolling muscles of many people over time. I totally get that.

However, to me, this testimony of mine is all I personally need to close the door on any other worries and stresses that might come up about the church, the brethren, or anything else. This testimony is what I need to remember when I feel sad and cry over all the angst and contention happening amongst friends and loved ones. Oddly enough, in a church that is centered on service to others, my own heart is really all that matters when it's time to make choices.

The bottom line is this: The organization of the church, including its leaders, members, policies and teachings, come part and parcel with these beliefs I hold so dearly. I can't really separate them, even when there may exist flaws or perceived contradictions. 

Honestly, I've got my own list of head-scratching dilemmas which come with being a single, 35-year-old, professional woman in this church. I think about them. I pray about them. They're not all resolved by any means, but when I think back on the foundation of my faith, the reasons for all my choices in life (see above), I know that it's ok. These questions don't change the true and unchangeable parts of my story.

The next step is clear: How can I reconcile a testimony of the gospel with things I may perceive to be wrong or unfair about it (or about the church)?

I dearly love the scripture found in 1 Nephi 11 when Nephi utters the words that have become my recent mantra of truth: "I know that [God] loveth his children; nevertheless, I do not know the meaning of all things."

I also love the passage in Mosiah 4, in which King Benjamin urges his people to "Believe in God; believe that he is, and that he created all things, both in heaven and in earth; believe that he has all wisdom, and all power, both in heaven and in earth; believe that man doth not comprehend all the things which the Lord can comprehend." (emphasis mine)

Those scriptures are on my mind a lot lately and they bring me soul-healing peace. It may seem strange that I take such comfort in the admission that I really don't know much about anything at all, but I think that's one of the best parts about this Gospel! We live in a tragic, unfair world and my belief in an omnipotent God relieves me of so much grief and stress. He is bound to be eternally fair to us when all is said and done. He knows more than all of us about how, what, and when things should happen for our good and the good of the church. My trust in His love for us and in His all-knowing timing soothes my soul. It is this trust that allows me to have hope and joy here in this life. 

Don't think I'm not aware that what I refer to as 'trust' others may refer to as 'blind faith'. I know there are many who view me and others like me as brainwashed followers of a bunch of old white dudes in suits. I guess I get that. But those folks don't really know my story (just like I don't know theirs.)

My story is so much simpler than that: I am a follower of Jesus Christ and I follow Him in the best way I know how. I cannot claim to know otherwise about anyone else.